Monday, November 8, 2010

The New Woodward and Bernstein

One of my favorite movies of all time is the Alan Pakula classic, “All The President’s Men”, starring Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman as the two Washington Post journalists Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein.  Woodward and Bernstein doggedly pursued the historical, earth-shattering story that eventually became the Watergate scandal.  Even if you haven’t seen the movie (and I would strongly encourage anyone who hasn’t to rent it immediately), most Americans are at least vaguely aware of the event we now refer too infamously as Watergate.
But what makes the events of “All The President’s Men” so unbelievably captivating is the process that the two, then unknown, Post reporters went through to uncover the facts of what would later unveil the greatest political conspiracy in American history. When I was a journalism student in college, we read the book (written in their own, first-hand account by Woodward and Bernstein). The book is a straightforward accounting of the journalistic process, minus some of the more melodramatic touches of the film (we don’t read about Woodward running for his life out of a deserted parking lot while presumably being pursued by unseen potential assassins). It delves deeply into the painstaking minutia that the Post reporters had to undergo in order to get nothing but the hardcore facts and sources to back up their unfolding story.


Well as I was intently reading about the latest nationwide scandal on the newest bastion of journalistic excellence, otherwise known as ESPN.com, and marveling at the never-ending fact-checking and source documentation of our newest Woodward and Bernstein named Mark Schlabach and Pat Forde, I could not help but think back to the story of the Washington Post and its pursuit of the Watergate cover-up.

Okay, I’ll drop the sarcasm and get straight to the talking points now.

The facts are, neither ESPN nor its writers Schlabach and Forde did ANY fact checking or source background when they decided to go public with the story of a rumor surrounding an alleged agent/player representative/God-only-knows-what, and a nefarious pay-for-signature scheme that allegedly involved, possibly, one Cameron Newton of Auburn University.

By the way did you just notice how many times I used the word “rumor” “possibly” and “allegedly” in that paragraph?

The facts are that if you objectively look at when and how this “story” was broken on ESPN, it carries all the hallmarks of a Ringling Brother and Barnum-Bailey circus! Everyone knows now that the release of this “bombshell” came during a prime time Thursday night college football game. The scroll started rolling around the middle of the second quarter of said game. “BREAKNG NEWS: A man allegedly representing Cam Newton sought payment of approximately $200k….” and you know the rest. Isn’t that convenient? Prime time! College football game with a captive audience! Give me a break!



So now in the span of roughly one minute and twelve seconds ESPN has lit up the entire sports world with a seemingly incendiary story of cash-for-play involving, not just some college football player on a BCS team, but THE leading Heisman candidate on the number 2 team in the country.

Wow! Think of the ratings for Sportscenter this coming week. Think of the national spotlight on ESPN for another bout of journalistic brilliance! Think about the possible impact on a major university and its leading player!

And so fire was lit.

We all ran to our computers to read the actual article by Woodwar….I mean Schlabach and Forde. Auburn fans scared to death that this kid we had all come to know and fall in love with was actually unmasked now, only to reveal a lying, cheating, stealing thief that would take our beloved program down for the count. The rest of the college football world read the article relishing a potential tidal wave of unimaginable height that would shake college football to its rotten core.

So what did we learn when the article was finished?

What we learned was that a former football player at a Mississippi State football game last year allegedly heard that another former player had told someone else that the big-time recruit Cam Newton could be bought for a large sum of money.

Fair enough. And the sources?

A former Mississippi State football player who said that he heard another former player was shopping Cam Newton around for money.

The evidence?

A former Mississippi State football player who said that he heard another former player was shopping Cam Newton around for money.

The deep background?

A former Mississippi State football player who said that he heard another former player was shopping Cam Newton around for money.

Getting the picture?

So now here sits Cam Newton, his father, and Auburn University. Center of the college football world, not because of their undefeated season so far and the out-of-this-world play of Cam Newton, but because two “writers” from ESPN decided to break a story that in the end, wasn’t a story.

Let’s be clear about this.

It was a RUMOR!

And when you read the original article what facts do you see in the story to back up and confirm the allegations? I dare you to find even ONE fact, because there are none. Oh, if you’re prone to thinking that a statement by somebody alleging that they heard something about somebody else is factual, you can quit reading this now.

What it boils down to is this. ESPN.com and its two “writers” heard about the allegations a while back. They probably followed it with mouths salivating, waiting for something concrete to be uncovered. When it got be the first week in November, and there was no evidence that this allegation was ever going to amount to much, ESPN did exactly the opposite of what Washington Post Chief Editor Bill Bradley did when the pressure was on during the Watergate investigation. They said, “Go with it!” when they knew the evidence wasn’t there.

During the Watergate investigation, Bill Bradley told his two young reporters over and over again whenever they were aching to print the newest revelation they had uncovered, “Get another source.” Neither ESPN nor its two “writers” ever even considered “getting another source” before unleashing what amounts to a slanderous allegation against a young college player and his family.

We live in a world controlled by media. We live in a digital age, where information is disseminated instantaneously. Media giants like ESPN are not in it for the integrity of journalistic values my good friend. ESPN is in it for the money! And breaking news about the leading Heisman candidate on prime time television is BIG MONEY!

And the so-called “reporters”? They get to go back to their jobs when this is over and shrug it off as another example of the crazy world of college football where anything can happen, even if it just ain’t true.

And Cam Newton and Auburn?

They get to live with the consequences of the new Woodward and Bernstein.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

In The Beginning........Week 1 of AUWins' 2010 CF Blog

Week #1 of the 2010 College Football Season

Yes glory be to God...it be finally HERE!!

To my loyal readers....HELLO!! Welcome to week 1 of the college football season, edition 2010.

As many of you regulars know, my blog is only made available to the truly fanatical and passionate for our greatest American sport. If you are reading this it is because you have been given the secret password by others who see your passion and want you to join in this greatest online preview for college football anywhere. You will NOT find greater insight or astounding predictions than here my good friends.

Can you actually believe that it is time again to begin living the ecstasy that is college football?????? I can scarce believe it myself. It is going to be a FANTASTIC season too!

Unlike past years, week one of the 2010 season presents some VERY competitive matchups. Even yours truly has had to sit back and give some very careful analysis to some of these games. But be ye not afraid. AUWins is here to guide thee and steer thee well!

So here we go. But put on your safety belt because you can get a ticket riding THIS train without one bud!

WEEK 1 Games and Predictions

The Buffs vs The Rams (Colorado that is)

What kind of backwardass rivalry gets played first game of the year? Oh...wait...I forget Miami and the SemenHoles do as well. Stupid if you ask me. But it DOES make for some interesting week one game watchin'.

The state school has tended to have / get the upper hand many of the recent contests. Dan Hawkins has made an absolute sordid mess out of the Buff's program since arriving and this is indeed his last season there (okay, you just read major prediction #1 for the season!). So why would I tell you to take the rumblin' stumblin' bison this year?

Simple. Colorado State is starting a true freshman at QB.

Enough said. Take Hawkins and co. for this matchup.

The Wildcats of K State vs The Golden Child

Wow this one is tough. First, you gotta dig down and research these two first before making ANY kind of conclusion about this game. Rickie Boy (aka The Golden Child) wants to supplant USC as the power in CA. Thanks to Pete Carrol and Reggie Bush, that is going to happen regardless of what HE does. But this opener is AT K State. K State has a returning part time starter at QB (senior). I'll give Snyder (the second oldest man in the world behind Joe Paterno) a razor thin edge here.

Ritchie Rich vs The Sled Dogs

Rich Rod is probably looking at his last opener as Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeecheeeegan's head coach. We all know that. But playing at home against a formidable big east opponent like Edsel's huskies might very well put Richie boy on the FAST TRACK out of Ann Arbor. Michigan still doesn't have the cast it needs to make Rich Rod's movie. Randy and his boys have shown that they can go anywhere, anytime and beat just about anybody.

I would pick UConn straight up with no reservations if they were playing at home or a neutral site. Roddyboy gets only a flicker of benefit for playing in his own backyard.......hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....what to do here???

I'll take UConn in a dogfight. Michigan won't fall apart and make it easy...but I think coaching, consistency and execution on both sides go to the sled dogs.

UConn wins.

The Boiled Peanuts..er...BoilerMAKERS vs The Leprechauns

I am sad.

I am depressed.

No longer each week can I make jokes about the waddling hippopotamus that is one Charlie "Fatboy" Weiss. A moment of silence please.

No, the neutered damsel now has a LEGIT head coach (finally!). And because of this I'm having some difficulty with this opener. Notre Dame has no one really to speak of on either side of the ball coming back. But Purdue's QB, while a senior, is a transfer from Miami. Who the hell knows HOW this kid will play?

Sheeeeeeeeeesh! Um....okay....I'll take Purdue and the transfer QB who is SUPPOSED to be all that and then some.

Boilers by 3 in a real tight one.

The Horny Toads vs The Slang Term for a Lady's... You Know...

One of the more interesting matchups in a week 1 full of good games. We all know by now that the amphibians are good, on BOTH sides of the ball. But we also know that this year the dam building rodents are loaded and ready to compete for a Pac 10 championship.

Like most of you, I'm really torn on this. In the end, I'll take the slight edge TCU's solid defense has and their home field advantage over the river rodents.

Riiiiiiiiivits by 5 at home.

The Clueless Asshat vs The Sky

If you've followed AUWins over the years...you know that of all the dumbf*cks with the title of head coach in this great sport, none incurs my wrath like the twiddledick Les "The Asshat" Miles. I knew from the very first game he coached at lswho that he was over his head and had zero friggin' clue.

Well, now the fans at Bat Ton Rooooooooge know it too. The media knows it. Everyone knows that this boob, when on the sideline, knows not whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt! He's totally overwhelmed by even the simplest of situations. See last year's debacle against Ol Piss.

But the REAL reason I hate his dumbarse is because for being the stupidest moron in the game....he is also the LUCKIEST man ever born on earth. His national title was with the first and only (ever!!) team to limp into the BCSC game with 2 losses. Will never happen again! And he should have had 2 more losses if not for the Fairy F*cking Godmother sprinkling pixie dust all over the field against teams like Kentucky that season.

Whew.....okay....deep breaths...deep breaths...

So what happens two weeks before his squad faces one of the best defenses in the country on opening weekend???? More than half the starting squad is IN-El-I-GI-BLE!!!!!!! C'MON!!! Coooooome Ooooooooon!!! Give me and every other Christian soul a break here!

F*ckstick wins, probably convincingly, in the ATL this Saturday night.



Boise State vs The Hookers...I mean Hokies

By far the hardest, yet most exciting game on the schedule this weekend. I really don't think anyone can pick this matchup with a helluva lot of confidence. I'm going to go with Boise because they've taken that next step twice now in BCS bowl games. Va Tech has had tendency to fall over backwards (see last year vs bama) in it's big games.

It'll be close, and I personally see a lower scoring affair than most experts do.

The Blue Horses prevail by 7.

In Conclusion...dear sirs..

See? I told ya this week one was starting off on a serious friggin' note! You best batten down ye ol' hatches and get to studying my dear students! This test begins only 3 days from now!

As I always tell you, my lovely readers, may your first weekend of college football be filled with happiness, hops, barley, bar food, laughs, good friends and joy!

We will talk again next week for a review of week 1 and more stellar predictions for week 2.

Till then.....WAR DAMN EAGLE!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Greatest CF Preview Since The Mayan Calendar

"And the Lord created the sixth day for His people to relax, drink and watch college football. And when He had created it He looked upon it and said, "It is good".

The Gospel According to Saint Jordan

Ladies and Gentlemen....The Moment We Have All Been Waiting For....

Greetings to all my loyal and wonderful readers. And isn't it well and good that we should gather here together once again to preview (and celebrate!) the greatest time of the year?!!! Yeslordhavemercyitssogood!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whether your team's mascot is dressed like a backyard poop dropper, a creature relegated to the foulest swamps, or a majestic jungle killer who strikes fear in the souls of all animals......it is indeed the most wonderful time of the year (with apologies to Santa).

As you have come to expect, my weekly college football blogs will educate, fascinate, illuminate and subjugate all of you with my higher intellect. These things I give you..loyal reader...out of the goodness of my heart.

So to get things started let us begin by taking a high level (and I do mean HIGH level) overview of the season to come. If your team is not mentioned in this preview, please don't fret. I'll be sure to make fun of your beloved coach and players at some point during the season.


AUWins' Top 10 for 2010

Here now is my first chance to piss a lot of you off. As fans we all want recognition for our team and we want prognosticators to pour love all over our boys like honey. Well, you'll have to settle for molasses with this blog....

Let me go ahead with fearless prediction number one. It's one that you've actually heard already and I for one believe it will happen. The SEC will NOT represent this year in the NC game. Sorry all you pachyderms and lizards. Neither of you will be in the Big One. My reasons are brilliantly stated below.

So, are you ready?

Are ya sure..........

Well then... quote The Great One, Jackie Gleason, "and awaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!"

Number 10

Wisconsin

Here is my surprise team. No, I haven't suddenly taken a liking to one of the most boring college teams in the land. But I DO believe the cheeseheads are ready to make waves in the Little 10..or 11...or whatever they are now. Da Baaaaadgers finish second in the conference and win a bowl game.

Yay.

Number 9

VA Tech

Another similar year for Frank "Don't Stare At My Charbroiled Neck" Beamer. They'll have 2 regular season losses, but will represent and win the ACC championship. Win their bowl game and give 'em #9 to be nice.

Number 8

The Corn Shuckers

Nebraska represents for the Big 12 North, but will have one loss at least going in. They will lose to OK and play in a decent bowl game (though NOT a BCS bowl game) and finish here. This sets up for a massive media blitz in the offseason for Bo and the boys looking ahead at 2011.

Number 7

TCU

Horny Toads have a really good season, get invited to a BCS bowl, and win.

Number 6

Boise State

The Blue Broncos will have one regular season loss (Va Tech), win a bowl game and finish 6th. I can't be sure due to their easy as pie schedule if they'll play in a BCS bowl, but it's possible.

Number 5

AlllllllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaBAMA!

Sorry to all my buddies who bleed crimson. The tahd deserves all the praise and glory for their NC last season and a helluva year before that too. I predict that bammer will beat UF at home in their regular season matchup....but will lose one other regular season
game to any of these teams (Arky, lswho, Auburn). Not because any of these teams are better than bama, but because they have simply lost too much experience on D and if you just play the odds....a team going undefeated for 3 straight years in the toughest conference in America....just don't see it happening.

I believe that they will indeed go back to the SECC game. But there UF gets major payback both for last year's heart ripping loss in the SECC, and for the earlier loss in the season at bammy. Lil' Nickie will win the bowl game putting the tahhhhhd in a final #5 spot.

Number 4

The Texas Steers

Simply put, UT will have one loss going into the bowl season but that loss will be to OK. OK will go the Big 12 (cough!!) so UT goes to a big bowl game, wins and finishes #4. Yaawwwwwwwwwwn........


Number 3

The Gay Turds (that's UF for you slow folks out there)

Florida will finish the season with an SEC championship and a bowl win...but losing to bama early in the season will drop them far enough that they'll get passed over by OSU just barely for the BCSC.
Huge controversy (what else would you expect from our wonderful "BCS system") follows and the chorus begins to really pick up steam to dismantle the system altogether.


Number 2

Ohio State Butt Eyes

Yes, I hear that horrible gasping of many a dear reader out there. Yes, this is still the AUWins who despises everything about the overhyped and perennial blowhard favorite OSU. But this blog is not necessarily about dissing programs based on previous polesmoking by the majority of the media out there.

I believe that as bad as it has been listening to the waterfall of gushing, orgiastic praise for one Terrell Pryor....common sense says the kid in year three will make a lot of big plays for the bastard nuts and put them in solid position (remember, they don't have to play a conference championship game) to win the big 10. As a matter of fact...I think that osu will have the conference won before it's finale against Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeecheeeeeeeegan. And that game will be the final nail in Rich Rod's coffin when Pryor and the boys dismantle the furry little rodents in the Horshoe on 11/27.

But why would I not go ahead and just hand the NC trophy on to The Sweater? Read on dear reader....and be amazed!

Number ....drum roll.....1 !!!!

(In my best Rogers and Hammerstein's operatic voice)
Chooooooooooooookelahoma


So here we are...my number 1 at season's end after the BCS championship game.
"But you hate Oklahoma and you laugh at their futility over the years under Stoops to win the big one..", you say. Yes. That is correct my dear readers.

But as you have no doubt picked up on so far in this preview, I expect chaos and parity all through the season. The teams left standing for their conference championship at the end will all have at least one loss. That is everyone except for one team..... the Laters. Oklahoma has several keys to reaching the Big 12 championship game and then winning it.

1. It's the Big (cough!! cough!!!) 12. Or as some more accurately put it...the big 3 (now that Nebraska seems to be getting back to it's former self). Stoops and Brown at their respective schools simply have more depth and more talent than the next tier of teams in that conference.

2. Stoops and co. will win the Red River Shootout this year. Why? Because Landry Jones is now a seasoned veteran after starting most of last season and he will be the difference in that game over a true sophomore with 3 or 4 games under his belt.

3. OK will play a very much improved Husker team for the title game this year and win. Nebraska offensively is still one year away from having a solid enough offense to compliment it's stout D.

I believe, in reviewing Boomer Schooner's schedule, that they will go undefeated in the regular season. It is indeed possible they could lose to either A&M or UT, but this is a preseason preview...and I like taking wild risks and making completely unfounded assumptions!!!

They will play my runner up (see above) for the BCS and win. Why? Because I believe they will be in better shape physically. I think OSU has a slightly tougher road to hoe to get there (okay, if you can call the little 10 a "tough" schedule). True, they don't play a conference championship game...but their grind throughout the season will take a slightly bigger toll on them.

I also believe that history is a guide here for the BCS game itself. OSU simply won't have the special atheletes on offense to keep up. Landry and the OK O will put up enough points to smother any hope of an OSU victory by late in the game.

So! We are now set to kick it off in less than two weeks. It's gonna be fun as always. There are going to be a LOT of games played this season that even I...the great prognosticator himself...will not be able to pick with confidence. Parity amongst the conferences will rule the day my friend.

I hope that your team provides you with lots of excitement this season and that the injury bug will leave your boys alone. That said...LET'S GET IT ON!!!!!!

YEAH BABY, YEAH!!

Friday, November 20, 2009

AUWins College Football Blog - Week 12

AUWins College Football Blog - Week 12

**Note: Due to a lack of games this week (of any significance that is...) AUWins is taking the week off....however.......

Quick Shots For My Faithful Followers

1. Michigan will upset Ohio State this weekend in the Big House. Rich Rod wins a reprieve for one more year.

2. Alabama will lose to Chattanooga and Nick Saban will be named the new Notre Dame head coach on Monday.

JUST KIDDING!!!!!

(if you remembe my earlier prediction from two weeks ago....Urban Meyer will be the next ND head coach.)

3. UVA will upset Clemscum and throw the ACC into total chaos, putting lil' ol' Boston College in the ACC championship game against Ga Tech.

4. Michigan State beats Joepa.

5. Bob Stoops brother wins this weekend over a suddenly struggling Oregon team and put Arizona in the PAC 10 drivers seat.

6. Nebraska will beat K State and go to their conference championship. A shout out to all my good Nebraska friends. Good season for Bo and company and with some offensive firepower, the "N" will be back and competing in the Big 12 by 2011.

7. THUGA will lose to UK because they are all giddy from their big comeback win over Auburn. Richt will blame the loss on their dead dog who kicked the bucket after the Auburn game.

Don't beat Auburn and not expect to have judgement passed down upon you. Do you remember what I told you last week about this game???? Hmmmmmmmm?? Next year I hear our raptor trainers are gonna send our eagle down during the pre-game flight and pick up their new dog and circle the stadium a few times about 1,000 feet in the air before dropping it to the middle of Pat Dye Field!

Anyways dear readers, have a nice weekend and we will be back next week with the final version of AUWins 2009 college football blog on TUESDAY (not Thursday or Friday).

Friday, November 13, 2009

AUWins College Football Blog - Week 11

AUWins College Football Blog - Week 11

Screw 2012....THIS Is The End of The World, Man!!!

Week 10 Recap and Notes

So, you still didn't believe after all this time that AUWins can call 'em huh?

After all this time of my loving gifts to you you STILL didn't wanna listen to your gracious giver of all college football knowledge.

And so yet another week went by as you stood in front of the TV...mouth apape...and watched prediction after prediction come true.

Did you take Northwestern over Iowa like I told ya too? Shaaaaaaaaame, shame, shame.

Did my Nebraska buddies take comfort in knowing their beloved shuckers of corn would beat a shellshocked OK squad???

Did you watch Navy take the Waddlin' Hippo and his boys down to the wire like AUWins told you they would (okay, so I DID pick fatso to pull it out, but the luck was actually spinning Navy's way that day!)?

Did you watch the Ducks get it in the arse at Stanford? Told ya the Tree would keep it close....oh yeah, they beat the yellow snot out of the Quacks. Oh well....

Well my friends, as we begin the final home stretch of the season let AUWins tell you this. Starting this weekend some really funky shite is going to start happening to a LOT of favored teams. Rivalries come into play. Games take on conference title implications. This season has been a bubbling volcano waiting for the lid to blow and it starts THIS SATURDAY!!!

Week 11 Key Matchups and Predictions

The Made Up Animal Combo vs The Coonskin Dorks

Who the **** ever came up with a made up animal name like "bearcat"???? What the **** is it even supposed to be or look like???? Does it hibernate in winter like a real bear...or does it bathe itself by licking its fur???

I guess MonsterQuest will be doing a show about the search for the mysterious Bearcat terrorizing the urbanites in Cincy soon.

And for the game....it won't even be close. Noel Devine will most likely be sitting out. He's about 80 percent of their offense. Their D has been pretty lame all season. It's at Cincinnati.

Hideous made-up bearcat animal/monster/whatever-the-f*** win huge.

Godawful Nuts vs The Eyes of The Lamest Bird In The Entire Raptor Family

No one eats or likes buckeyes. You don't even attempt to eat one at Christmas even out of tradition. Their totally gross and totally useless to the modern diet. Yet somehow a team named after a cross between a nut and a bean is supposed to be all that and then some.

Pfffffffffft........

OSU should beat Iowa at home (I don't think they play an away game all season, sheeeeeeesh!!)....and they will. Iowa lost their QB and the one they threw in there last Saturday couldn't get laid with 20 grand in a Texas whorehouse!

OSU by 21 or more. Iowa goes back to it's desolate midwest town to hibernate for the winter.

The Condoms vs The Tree That Fell and EVERYONE Heard It!!!

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwzzzzzaaaaa!!

This is the toughest matchup of the weekend folks. As I've instructed you my dear readers many times on similar type games...stay the hell away from this one if you're betting with real money. Just don't go near it!!!

Stanford is FOR REAL BABY! But they play on the road at USC who has only lost 2 home games in like the past 80 years or something.

Guess who the last team to beat 'em at home was........?

I think for pride and to keep their slim to nothing chance of a Rose Bowl alive the used spunkholders will pull it out. But would I take one over the other for anything meaningful. HELL NO!!

The Fighting Bahrs vs The Definition of Insignificance

Let's get this out of the way so my tide followers won't begin reading this apprehensive about a predicted shocker in Starkvegas. The Turds will win.

But while bama deserves all the credit in the world up to this point for going undefeated...State is going to take them down the wire and it is going to be a repeart of UT. bammer wins it ugly and wins it ohhhhhhhhhhhh so close.

The significance? bammer slips back again to 3 in the polls and begins to get the jitters about it's final games with Auburn and the SECC.

Pitt vs "Will Work For Food" Charlie Weiss

Pitt wins. Weiss continues concentrating on getting his resume out to the NFL heads.

And here is why I'm writing about this game.

You read it here first.

Urban Meyer will become the next head coach at ND.

Yep!!

He's sick of all the BS he's having to take being in the SEC (see Kiffin and Slive) and it's his dream job. It's all just too perfectly timed.

Remember who you heard it from first as not just speculation....but as a point of fact!

The Auburn Tigers vs Thieves, Thugs, and Rapers of Small Children

I will not predict the outcome of this game. The reason being that I have never bet on this game nor given a prediction of it's outcome for fear/superstition that it will hurt my beloved Tigers' chances.

But let me tell you of the Sodom and Gomorrah that lies to the northeast of Atlanta. They practice the Black Arts over there. Women do things that God instructed us as his creatures not to do!! Men do even WORSE things over in that place!!!

They can't keep any pets around that city because the students over in Athens, GA keep kidnapping them and sacrificing them to the god Baal!!!

And for all this wickedness....judgement is coming you fans of THUGA!!

Judgement is coming.

I wish all of you the very best of weekends and pray for your safety if you travel anywhere. Enjoy this final stretch of the best time of the year and may your team win......unless your a Georgia fan and then I wish nothing but pain and heartache on you!!

BLEHHHHH!!

Friday, November 6, 2009

AUWins AUsome College Football Blog - Week 10

AUWins AUsome College Football Blog - Week 10

Week 10 - How The West Was Won

Week 9 Recap and Thoughts

Happy Friday and I hope that all my good readers have had a good week and are looking ahead to a most excellent weekend. If not...well then it must suck to be you.

Haa Haa! Just kidding...I would never talk to my adoring followers that way.

So did you sit back in awe of AUWins last weekend? Did you say to yourself, "My God!! How does he KNOW this stuff???"

Okay so I tried for once in my adult life to be kind to the lowly mutt fans out there just to make them feel better about their pathetic team. But even the great AUWins had zero clue that Saint Mark would enter the field on Halloween with his team dressed as Grambling. Had I had any inkling of this last gasp of desperation from a fallen coach and a fallen program, I would have taken the Gay Turds as big favorites (once I was able to quit laughing that is).

So did you do as I said and take the Quack Quacks big over USC? You didn't? Well let that be a lesson to you then. Whe AUWins speaks, E F Hutton listens! So does everyone else.

Did you take Auburn over Ol' Piss? You didn't? Well let that be the second lesson in your learning process oh grasshopper.

Are you tired of reading AUWins' bragging? Okay, on to Week 10.....

Week 10 Matchups and Predictions

Can you actually believe that we are already at week 10 of the college football season? Does it really seem like 10 whole weeks ago that you were reading AUWins' Week 1 blog in rapt attention?? Good grief!! If only the friggin' NBA season would seem to come and go this fast!!!

On to my invaluable insights and prognostications (that's the same as "predictions" for you bammers and mangy mutt lovers out there.)

Hawkeyes vs Northwestern

Sorry...I just can't come up with anything decent to name these two teams other than their already bland real names. So why am I bothering to mention this game? Because AUWins believes this could be the shocker of the weekend. The upset no one sees coming. Iowa has lived on the edge all year. You live THAT close EVERY game...it's gonna come back to haunt you against someone that you least expect.

I would put a small wager down on the Wildcats. Not enough to cause me any heartache like that one girl I knew who could do amazing things with her........

Directional school in a close one.

The Waddling Hippo vs Navy

Navy is getting their QB back this week along with some other key players. Neutered Damsel keeps flirting with disaster with these smaller programs. I think Navy scares the ever-lovin' touchdown Jesus out of Fatboy and Casey "My Face Always Looks Like I Smell A Fart" Clausen.

ND hasn't played an away game all year, and this is yet another homer for the irish. They'll get that unbelievable lucky play or break and win a heartstopper.

Coke Bottles For Glasses vs The Most Overhyped Team In History

Yes it's JoePa vs The Sweater ladies and gentlemen!! Aren't you excited??? Aren't you on the edge of your seat for this huge game of national .....well.....regional.....okay ZERO implications?

No I didn't think so. As my good friend once said, I'd rather watch a hayride. If it's snowing or bad weather up there in Gay Valley I might watch a few minutes to laugh at the northern idiots who sit in that crap every year. Other than that the winner of this game gets a Rodney Dangerfield special. (That's a free bowl of soup for you non-Caddyshack followers)

I think Pryor is totally unreliable against good defenses. I believe The Oldest Living Human will rely on his defense to pressure the overhyped QB sensation into multiple mistakes and will win at home. Like most all Little 10 games it will be boring, plodding and just downright unwatchable.

The Aflac Ducks vs A Tree

I don't have a lot of insight on this game, mainly because AUwins hasn't see ANY Stanford games this season. It's at Stanford. Oregon is coming off a monumental win for their program last weekend (that yours truly predicted). Harbaugh is an excellent coach and has this program moving up.

Watch this one in the fourth quarter to see an exciting finish. The Amazing Multi Colored Uniforms win a nailbiter on the road.

The Pure Bred Rednecks vs The Coonasses

Hence this week's blog title. This is for the Western division of the SEC. Bammer is coming off a bye and lsu might as well be (Tulane last week in a blowout). It's at bammer, which in a twist of irony is actually in favor of....get this...LSU!!! The coons have won their last FOUR at the ugliest, most unkept field in college football.

I'm not sold on The Asshat's team though. I think Auburn made the bayou bengals look like world beaters and that has everyone saying "Ooooo...look at lsu!"

Well....sorry coonasses! AU has made just about everyone look great during the month of October. You're QB is still unreliable and you have no real running game to speak of.

Bammer will completely shut down lsu's rushing attack, force George Jefferson (WHEEZY!!!) to throw and while their offense will probably still sputter the D will acount for 14 points.

A fairly easy V for the elephants at home.

The Laters vs The Children of the Corn

I am pretty puzzled by this game. Bo P. has not brought this Nebraska team very far from where they already were in close to two seasons now. It's at home though, and I am wondering if Stoops' boys have any real fire left in their belly. Their season's pretty much over.

Something tells me Nebraska, coming off a huge loss last week (I think, can't rememeber off hand), pulls it all together for a major effort this weekend and makes the cornball nation all giddy and happy for the first time since .....well forever over there.

My good Nebraska friends will be drinking a few extra this Saturday in celebration.

College Football's Greatest Team vs Furman University Christian Knights

Did you miss it? Huh?

Wanna know why no one ever writes out Furman's official mascot? Hmmmm?? Got it now??? Therrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre ya go!

This is a key fo AU because most of the exhausted starters at this point in the season will get some key rest for the home stretch against THUGA and the tahd.

That's it. What? You expected something profound about playing a AA school?

I hope that all of you have a terrific weekend and stay safe. Enjoy all the great football and we'll talk again next week for episode 11. Things gettin' ready to get interesting now folks........

Friday, October 30, 2009

AUWins AUsome College Football Blog - Week 9

AUWins AUsome College Football Blog Week 9

This Week - The World's Largest Outdoor Collection Of Buffoons All Gather 'Round

Intro and Recap of Week 8

Good day to all of the loyal readers and followers of the AUWins blog.

Well, as you may have wondered after reading last week's entry good friends, something happened to AUWins. I was kidnapped by hooded liberals from Washington and in my place, Al Gore, Master of Disaster, wrote a FAKE blog with my name on it. THE NERVE!!! AUWins killed all of his would be kidnappers and sacked Al but not before he had put his rubbish out there for all to see under my good name.

Silly predictions such as Mizzou hanging close with Texas, and Rich Rod beating JoePa turned out to be just like all of Al's other outrageous predictions about the earth getting all hot and bothered. I will give Al some credit though for his other predictions which were pretty spot on.

I apologize for this inconvenience and promise that it will not happen again. I flew Al up to Antartica to exeperience global warming. He will be getting back to us soon to let us know just how hot it is up there now.

Week 9 Insights and Predictions

This is the week during the season where there is a lull in the intensity of the matchups. A couple here and there to make the weekend interesting...but predominantly a lighter weekend than most. That being said.....

The Extras From Deliverance vs. Da Bulls

Why bother with this game? I would normally say to take W. VA easily in this given how badly South Fla. looked last week. But I think that this game stays close through the fourth quarter. The bulls have a pretty decent team there and the game IS at S. FL. Can West VA pull out another sphincter episode? Okay...I'll give the Appalachian Rednecks another close V.

The Gay Turds vs The Toiletlappers

Hey, it's really the biggest game of the week if you live in the south. Not because the series has been a barn burner or anything lately, but because the rest of us can sit back and make jokes about how foolish both fanbases look making arses out of themselves at the biggest excuse for drinking known in America short of the Super Bowl.

Trivia fact: That vaunted hall of learning, uga, actually CANCELS classes on the Friday before the game every year so the "students" (cough! cough!!) can go to the game. Now there's academic integrity for ya!!

Seriously speaking, I honestly believe the cards are stacking up for THUGA this year. God's Most Beloved Son has been playing not only like a mere mortal this season....but just plain, downright AWFUL the past couple of weeks. TWO (2) pick sixes against Miss State last week??? Are you joking???????

THUGA had last week off. It's just setting up for a huge game for the mutts.

I think UGay gives the lizards everything they want and more....and wins. Yep! You heard it right here.

Colt McCoy vs "I'M A MAN!!! I'M FORTY!!"

If not for the Texas QB, the steers are an average offense with a really good defense. Okie State is a very potent offensive weapon....WITH THEIR LEADING WR WHO THEY DON'T HAVE ANYMORE!

I think we'll see UT start slow like they have every game, but it will be their D who will dominate and by the second half. On paper it should be a good, close game....but I think you'll see Texas have THAT breakout game in the second half and put it on "I'm a man!"

Straight Outta Compton vs Guys Who Actually Lived In Compton

(For those readers who are not as hip as AUWins (ha!) that is a hip hop reference for USC vs Oregon)

I think this will be the best matchup of the weekend! Oregon has looked really, really good ever since their opening season rendition of Ali vs Holmes at Boise State. What does this prove? It proves that when a coach gets rid of a thug...he only HELPS his program!!! Let that be a lesson to all of college football.

It's AT Oregon, and while AUWins has never been anywhere near the place, the reputation of their stadium precedes them. I realize that this Barkley kid has performed outstandingly on the road this year...but Oregon knows just how huge this game could be them and their bid for the Rose Bowl. I think it will close through 3....but in the fourth Oregon and their home crowd will tear it open and (here is the big AUWins prediction for the week!) win by 14!!

Tigger The Cuddly Tiger vs The Racists

Of all my predictions this year, one of the most dead on accurate was last week's prognastication that not only would lsu cover...but that the game in baton rouge would be over quickly and get ugly.

I've never been so sick to my stomach for being right in my life!

AU fans keep hoping that this hard turn southwards for Auburn ends that upcoming weekend. So far it hasn't. But while ol' piss has begun to play somewhat better in the last few contests, Auburn is just DUE!! Major due!!!

If my dear readers want an inside slant on an upset to make up some points/money this weekend, take Auburn to win. There have been a couple of developments behind the scenes this past week including the decision to let El Toro The Bull out of his cage (he had a huge game against the Asshat last weekend), and the defense will be clicking along much better than recently.

Well, that's a wrap for yet another glorious upcoming weekend dear friends. Keep safe and enjoy this most wonderful time of the year. Til next week, God bless and WAR EAGLE!!